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[MUSIC PLAYING] There's a time

There's a moment

There's a way

There's a certain one for me

CHRIS ROBERTS: More than 150 people were present at the commitment ceremony of Deanna Foster and Connie Abbott, held this month at Spirit of the Lakes Church in Minneapolis. The two women wore light peach dresses as they walked down the aisle, and the four men who stood up with them wore tuxes. There were prayers, music, a video which traced Connie and Deanna's life together with their two children and an exchange of vows.

DEANNA FOSTER: I give you this ring to be a daily reminder of my love for you. It is a symbol of the timelessness of our connection as soul mates, the history we have shared in this life and the faith we have in our future together. I love you with all my heart and soul, Connie.

CHRIS ROBERTS: After living together for 11 years, Abbott and Foster, both in their mid-40s, decided to tie the knot. They say their ceremony was designed to be a celebration for their friends and a mind-opening event for their families. When Abbott first announced she was a lesbian more than 10 years ago, her church held a mock funeral and declared her dead. Both say their families have refused to face who they are as a lesbian couple.

CONNIE ABBOTT: Our families love us. We're the aunties, the sister, but they don't want to ever deal or say the L word. We are lesbians. And there's not any negative coming through, but there's also no affirmation.

DEANNA FOSTER: They accept us a lot, but we don't ever put it in their face very much. And sometimes I think people need it put in their face. And this seemed like a nice way.

CHRIS ROBERTS: During her three-year tenure as pastor at Spirit of the Lakes, a church which caters to gay and lesbian parishioners, [? Kathy ?] [? Ann ?] [? Beattie ?] says she's performed an average of two commitment ceremonies a month. [? Beattie ?] also provides pre-commitment counseling to gay couples, which she says is similar to the premarital counseling she's given heterosexual couples.

[? KATHY ANN BEATTIE: ?] It's the same. And I've been doing weddings for 10 years for straight couples and I see very little difference in the way people process their relationships.

CHRIS ROBERTS: What's different about commitment ceremonies is that they aren't recognized under state law as a legal contract like marriage is. That means that most lesbian or gay partners in a long-term relationship don't have the same privileges that married couples do, such as tax advantages or health care insurance. Connie Abbott says she and Deanna are denied the benefits of marriage, but still pay the price of being a two-income household.

CONNIE ABBOTT: If you apply for a home improvement loan in this neighborhood we live in, we have to count both our incomes. But if I wanted to get tax breaks for being a joint couple, you can't.

CHRIS ROBERTS: Gay couples also don't have any legal way to end long-term relationships the way divorce brings an end to a heterosexual marriage. Activists say in order for society to change the way it views same-sex marriages, churches will have to lead the way. Spirit of the Lakes pastor [? Kathy ?] [? Ann ?] [? Beattie ?] doesn't see that happening soon.

[? KATHY ANN BEATTIE: ?] Well, I think it's going to be a while in coming because churches are still struggling over whether the issue of-- over whether homosexuality is a moral or an immoral issue. And most mainline churches say it's an issue of immorality. And until they are able to shift that focus, there's no way they're going to take a look at doing ceremonies and creating environments where two people of the same sex can get married.

CHRIS ROBERTS: Some mainstream churches perform so-called holy union ceremonies for gay and lesbian couples, which can put the leadership of the denomination in a difficult situation. David Olson is bishop of the Minneapolis area synod of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America. Olson says the bishops recently released a statement saying the church cannot condone an official ceremony blessing a homosexual relationship, but will let the individual pastor decide on performing a holy union. Olson is satisfied with that kind of response.

DAVID OLSON: We recognize that scripturally, we haven't, as a group, found a basis for a change. Number two, we don't think that we can approve of such a ceremony right now as an official thing. We don't want to give it that official-ness. And third, we recognize that our pastors are working hard to relate to these people, and we want to encourage them and be supportive of that.

CHRIS ROBERTS: The Presbyterian Church allows its ministers to perform holy unions as long as the minister views it as nothing more than a symbolic ceremony. Dick Lundy is pastor at Saint Luke's Presbyterian Church in Minnetonka.

DICK LUNDY: Currently, the law of the church says that if we understand that to be analogous to a marriage, we can't do it. But as long as we understand that a holy union service is not a marriage service, we're quite free to do it.

CHRIS ROBERTS: Lundy says it's a mental hoop he's willing to jump through to give support to committed relationships among gays or lesbians. While churches wrestle with the issue, it could ultimately be decided in the courts. In Hawaii, a state supreme court ruling may allow that state to become the first in the country to recognize gay marriages. Here in Minnesota, Attorney Peter [? Nickitas ?] represents a gay couple in Duluth, which is planning to sue the state to overturn the law which prohibits them.

[? PETER NICKITAS (ON PHONE): ?] It's making an unfair distinction between people on the basis of gender. And when it says two people of different gender can get married, but two people of the same gender cannot, that's a basis that we consider irrational under state law.

CHRIS ROBERTS: Many gays and lesbians who have commitment ceremonies accept the fact that they don't have society's stamp of approval on their relationships. Still, Spirit of the Lakes pastor [? Kathy ?] [? Ann ?] [? Beattie ?] says every commitment ceremony makes the gay community stronger. She says what rights society continues to deny gay people, they will take for themselves.

[? KATHY ANN BEATTIE: ?] Because you have exchanged vows of commitment.

CROWD: Because you have exchanged vows of commitment.

[? KATHY ANN BEATTIE: ?] We recognize you as married.

CROWD: We recognize you as married.

[? KATHY ANN BEATTIE: ?] Blessed be.

CROWD: Blessed be.

[? KATHY ANN BEATTIE: ?] You may kiss one another.

[LAUGHS]

You can say that too, if you want.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERING]

CHRIS ROBERTS: This is Chris Roberts, Minnesota Public Radio.