I want to embellish on something and Susan said and most men have a tendency to separate us from these guys that are violent. We sometimes think they're different like you can pick them out of crowds and they have low foreheads or Knuckles dragging the ground when they want Jerry Burns will no longer would love to have these guys for linebackers. Some of the men that I've worked with in the past 11 years do fit that category, but most do not most of the men that I worked with a very good public faces psychiatrist have a high level of violence clergy have a high level of violence interpersonal relationships Physicians have a high level of violence in their personal relationships. So these guys are really no different than you and I They also aren't crazy. Some people think that these guys have to be mentally ill to do these things. I think probably one of the famous ones is Mike Tyson. They said well, he's manic-depressive. That's why you beat up Robin Givens. Well, I know a lot of manic depressive people who aren't violent. We look for excuses for men's violence, and there is none. These men aren't crazy. They're not out of control and they're not different. There's another myth is it children aren't affected by this tough. Katya will certainly speak to this later. But the research is showing now the children who watch violence are more apt to repeat violence in children who were actually hit. I did the training this morning in Minneapolis. And as I came out of the parking ramp to go home or to come over here. There's a domestic happening on this on the street and I always tell most of my audiences. If you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the problem. So here on face with my own words, so I pull my truck over and I get out and what I'm stuck with is this couple this man is is blocking This Woman's why grabbing her pushing her around? She goes the other way watch half a block tries to get away from he catches her. He she turns around in the thing that really struck me was there was a seven-year-old child a male would follow his mother back and forth watching this over and over again. The families were violence is happening in our training grounds for children, they watch this stuff and they repeat it when they grow up, That's why it's a very very important that we also assist children in this area. The last myth is it in Minnesota? We have this issue solved. We have more shelters more services in just Minneapolis-Saint Paul than most States ever had. I travel quite a bit do a lot of training and The Minneapolis-Saint Paul area is known as the Edina of domestic violence programs cuz we have more hear well. 70% of the women who try to seek shelter within the metropolitan area. There's no space with him. We still have quite a ways to go in this other than some programs are still a six-month waiting list for me. So we have quite a ways to go. Also want to talk we've been throwing this term around messing violence what it is Susan called it a system. It definitely is I called him techniques the techniques that men use in these relationships are certainly the physical. When you talk about physical violence you talking about pushing slapping kicking choking throwing person and use of weapons. It's not an inclusive list, but you know, what kind of given idea what we're talking about as I started. I talked about pushing and slapping things that most people think or no big deal some of the men that I've worked with his killed her partner by pushing her one shelves Center back in caught the back of her head on a coffee table and sever the brainstem and she died another man want to slap his partner. He missed her cheek hit her throat windpipe collapsed and she died that was not the intent of either man, but intense had nothing to do with it. FBI report says anywhere from 30 to 40% of the women in this country are killed by husbands and boyfriends people who say I love you. But it goes beyond that. There's a whole category because psychological violence or anything that creates fear. Threatening to kill you threatening to slap you is one threatening to take your children away if you ever leave me. Throwing things around the house punching walls slamming doors. Everybody knows where I'm at. So everybody starts walking on eggshells. Not order not honoring orders for protection stalking her calling her at 2 in the morning. Make sure she's home by herself. just shaking a fist in her face all Do the job for me if we can park on a racks border? Why do we have to invade if I can control You by threatening you? Why do I have to hit you? So the physical backs up. What psychological? The most common form that I see is emotional violence the name callings to put Downs the blaming her for the violence. Let's say I swipe my partner I said, you know, you never would have gotten slapped if you weren't flirting with that guy at the party. I've done two things one. I blamed her for the assault against her and to I have labeled the reality of the situation. She may have been talking with a colleague enjoying a joke. I label it is flirting and of course as a male in this culture i to find other people's reality. And so therefore she was flirting I have justification for assault. There's all sorts of different examples of male privilege how many use privilege in relationships women usually understand this term men are gone. I think you need to listen to your female Partners to understand what male privilege is about. but the emotional abuse people think well, that's not a big deal. But the women say the black eyes heal the broken bones heal. Once you break someone's spirit with emotional abuse. That doesn't heal very well. It takes a long time to get your sense of dignity back and that's often times. Why women choose not to continue their relationships not because of the physical violence, they're not necessarily afraid of being hit but once they start getting back who they are. They don't want to lose them again. The last form is sexual violence last technique and when the physical violence is in a relationship. I always find sexual violence going on rape is certainly one and when I do training, so I say what would be sexually abusive in a 5-year marriage and I say that specifically because some groups I work with don't believe that a man can rape his wife. Any unwanted Touch of a sexual nature hand holding kissing and some guy say well, how could I you know, sexually abused her by kissing her. I've been married to her for five years. I used to take a step toward that man say if I kissed you now and then I get a very clear picture in his face that I need to stay exactly where I am. If I cross that line, I'll be sexually abusing him. He understands that but he doesn't understand that often times with his partner. She has as much right to control her own body as anyone. The most common form of sexual violence that I see it said say last night, he pushed around slapped her called her all sorts of names threatened her tonight. He comes home and hang in his head. He laid out $50 for a dozen long-stem roses takes her out to dinner. Once we sexual is a way to make up if you've ever been assaulted by anyone being sexual with him was probably not in the top of your list, but she's saying what happens if I say no. Is he going to hit me again? So you can put me down again. She may go along with the sex in order to avoid the violence that woman's right to also some of the more common forms of sexual violence sexual violence in relationships that I say. When you look at the physical psychological emotional sexual and put them all together. It may be a very familiar list because those are the same techniques that we use against prisoners of war in concentration camps people experience that over and over and over again. It's a system to break someone down and control them hostages experience the same type of things. Effects on a woman who lives in a relationship that is violent. Is the same as a prisoner of war so the next time you're confronted with someone who has been victimized in a relationship and her behavior might look pretty strange. Think about. What a prisoner of war would be liking what they might need. I want to talk some about contributing factors. I don't think to see their causal factors. I see them contributing cuz it's not as easy to say one thing causes another. First Susan talked a little bit about learned behavior. Most of the men that I worked with heavy other witnessed or had violence directed at them as children modeling. Pandora has studied modeling and he's shown that children who witness behaviors that they don't like will repeat them. If you can think of all the things that your parents used to say to you that used to drive you up a wall my guess if you have children, you said those same things to your children? It's modeling the men will sit in my group and say they hated the violence of children. They made they went as far as making promises are brothers and sisters. This was not going to happen when they grew up one man, escaped through a bathroom wall when he was run through the bathroom window when he was 9 to call the police went down ran to the police to get his dad to stop beating up his mother. You think that man would been very cognizant of this issue and not repeated as a child 15 years later. He's arrested in the same Community for domestic assault. There's another thing that's taught. Two young men in this culture and I really believe young men in this culture raised to be Soldiers the race to be cannon fodder. We're raised to not back down from anything or raised not to feel or raised to play with pain were raised to control the line of scrimmage and you win at all cost. Rather interesting lesson for young man. We're not looking at men who are cultural deviance when we look at men or violent relationships. We're looking at men who are doing pretty much what our culture is asking them to be in the corporate sector sector and also on the football field basketball courts. It's it's pretty common to hear that from coaches. I guess all of you guys who might have been in in athletics in school if your your team is going to dog in an in practice. What are you called? Come on girls. Let's get going. Some like somehow that's something negative be called. Lastly the something that's taught in violent families. Is that whole issue of Shame? If a child experiences enough emotional physical or sexual abuse, they have a tendency to think less of themselves. They think that something is the matter with them. So internally, they feel really really vulnerable really hurt but on the outside, they're given a lot of power. You created a bull in a china shop the most dangerous person. You'll ever face is someone who feels internally pretty scared but externally has a lot of power to do something about it. And that shame is very difficult because most women are trained to take care of other people. They're trained to take care of everybody else's needs with themselves. And so this little boy this hurting a little person inside draws women in and when women can't solve that pain for men, they're usually punished. No, another contributing factor is there are payoffs for violence. I asked them in when they come in to my group. What are you trying to accomplish with the violence? They'll give you a bunch of different reasons, but they distill into two categories one let stress out. There's actually endorphin system gets kicked in with physical violence and they feel calmer after. Major issue as though it gets your violence Works. They get control it gets her to shut up and gets her to end the argument. It gets her to buy this not by this whatever he wants the violence kits. very big payoff