I'm delighted to be here. And talk to you about a subject that very few people are interested in. but before I get into the main thrust of mine talk I I I want to try to put this sex business into a perspective. People are very preoccupied with sex these days. and I I'd like to say that. Not sure about how important it is. Why was the think of the 10 most important things in a relationship? I would say. Love and caring is number one. Number two is a sense of humor. Which of course I could tell that some of you lack already? Number three is communication. They say that if they see a man the woman and the resort and then I talkin to each other then married. But if they are talking to each other they may be married but not to each other. Now you got it so far you may want to put this thing into perspective number one is love and caring and number two is a sense of humor number 3 is communication number 9 is sex and number 10 is sharing household tasks together. And those are the 10 most important things in a relationship. And some of you have been paying attention so far have noticed that 4 5 6 7 and 8 are missing. Well, we need to leave room for curriculum development. And I can hear one of you back there over there saying now, how can sex be number nine? I read mine, so I know exactly what's going on and you know who you are. Let me tell you something of the 3443 really important things in a relationship sex is still one of the top 10, not bad. now we have to put we have to understand. There are people who even well-intentioned people that say things like if you have sex before marriage, you'll have nothing to look forward to in marriage. They'll be no surprises in marriage. Is that the only surprising marriage I say don't marry. It's not worth it. Now we have to understand something about the women's movement. The women's movement is the most important movement in the history of our times people don't understand this but people are saying things like women are aggressive. Everywhere you go aggressive women. What are the results of aggressive women and couldn't men? everywhere input in men And that's because of the women's movement I say for every input Ant Man that has resulted from the women's movement 10,000 of us have been liberated. And where do I get those statistics? I made them up. Play makeup there's and I'll make up mine. Women have become assertive when they don't get their legitimate rights. They become aggressive. The only definition of the women's movement has to do with equal opportunities for decision-making equal opportunities for career choice equal opportunities for leisure and equal pay for equal work. That's the meaning of the women's movement and has nothing whatsoever to do with where the woman stays at home washes dishes has babies or what have you I didn't understand this when I was first married lot of years ago. I married a woman who was professional and she worked outside the home. But you did all the cooking and the cleaning in the shopping in the cooking and the cleaning in the shopping the cleaning and shopping the washing dishes and taking care of the baby in the shopping the cleaning. I was busy. Send will until one day. She said to me I'm busy to how would you like to have a divorce? It took me 5 minutes to rearrange my schedule. I still don't like the shop and clean and cook and do any of that stuff, but I'm doing it now. I'm doing it because I have an assertive wife and I don't want her to become aggressive. I used to think that only women like to clean. Now I know the women don't like to clean and then don't like the clean and cleaning ladies don't like to clean if you have it if you'd like to clean. You have a cleaning disease. Because you people who like to clean I'm preoccupied with dirt all the time. Well, that's the kind of perspective. I want to start with to help you understand something about sexuality. And just before we understand something about sexuality. We have to understand something about the love because that's what sexuality is all about. Some of the most bored unhappy depressed alienated people. I know all the so-called sexually liberated ones. We need to the real sexual Revolution will happen when we connect love and caring. with intimacy This is not the age of the sexual Revolution. This is the age of the Auntie sexual Revolution where people are using sex as an avoidance of intimacy rather than as an expression of it. And that's why we have to understand something about love. People say you can Define love. philosophers and Poets of Troy for centuries So we have to save you feel yourself to be in love you are but unfortunately there two kinds good and bad. For this audience will say mature and immature. People say love is blind. I said you better open up your eyes after 24 hours and see who you're in love with. People say love at first sight. I say you better take another look. The difference between mature love and immature love is energy people who have a mature love affair or mature love experience are energized by The Experience people who have an immature love are exhausted you seen people go around on this campus and it's exhausting. People who have an immature love affair are tired all the time. Haven't you noticed that too tired to shower? the too tired to do the school work you do the dishes. I'm in love. People who have mature love affairs are energized. They have time to shower that time to do the school work and they can even take out the garbage. People who are immature in their experience of love. For them love is a burden. They make promises all the time that they don't keep that they say things like to do really love me love me. Love me. You have your first authentic conversation that way. Mature love is the most wonderful experience. There is it gives you a lot of energy? Immature love is a burden. Immature love is made up of promises. Don't worry honey, when we get married. I stopped drinking. Don't worry when we get married or stop fooling around with other women. So this is the goal to help us understand something about mature love and along the way we need to understand a little something about our own sexuality. I was going to title my talk play with yourself first before you play with anybody else, but I was afraid it would be understood. The first thing we have to come to terms with his masturbation. Everybody's into it these days as you know. When I was growing up, there was no problem. From masturbation you got tired blood acne mental illness blindness. That's why I wear glasses. But we were Pioneers in those days. Now, of course everybody knows if that doesn't happen, but still the average mother will say all the average bottle say, honey. It's okay to play with yourself. It's okay to masturbate and then there's a pause it's okay if you don't do it too much. And nobody in United States knows how much is too much? How much is too much is a great American dilemma once a year twice a week after every meal. Nobody knows how much is too much? You read sometimes in the medical literature. We doctors of course know that masturbation is a normal expression of sexuality. But if you do it too much, you have a tendency to be shy retiring narcissistic and you have no friends. I'm asking you how long does it take to masturbate? Why should it interfere with friends? Some of my best friends are masterbaiters. It's on people. I know never masturbating. They have no friends at all. Masturbation is a normal expression of sexuality at any time at any age. Once is too much if you don't like it, you don't like it. Don't do it. That's all there is to it. Don't believe the absolute nonsense that people tell you that is harmful or it's narcissistic. If you read a book, you won't be like to other people. Wherever if we're ever going to reduce. The number one wanted pregnancies among teenagers. We're going to have to legitimize masturbation. We play so many games. Next thing we have to find out something about is homosexuality. tough subject We have no idea why a person becomes homosexual. We used to know. If you had a strong mother and a weak father. homosexual until some of us did a study right here in Fargo and found out that 85% of all families in Fargo consists of strong mothers and weak fathers. Now the whole theory is finished. The only thing we know for sure about homosexuals is that I homosexual was probably born to a heterosexual couple. The most the best we know about the subject is right now. Is that by the time a person is for 5 years old? Is it her sexual identity is already determined? you can't Push anybody into this kind of an experience orientation. It's not okay to be in today. It's not. You got people like Reverend Jerry Falwell who go around the country saying if God wanted homosexuals, he would have created Adam and Steve. What about I said if God wanted black people he would have created Adam and sheba. What would you call me religious or bigot? I think you'll call me a bigot. We have in this country a lot of bigots some of my Bible bigots who use the Bible for their special brand of anger and hostility and hatred. The Bible has been used to kill Jews. The Bible has been used to justify slavery historically. The Bible has been used to justify the inferiority of women. I've even heard somebody use the Bible as their approach that took to opposition to the Panama Canal. You can use the Bible for any evil purpose you wish but I say that the gods essential message to all of us as love thy neighbor as thyself. I believe in God and I'm religious and I say that the only really critical message in the Bible is love. Thy neighbor as thyself. God did not say love. Thy neighbor except if he's gay God did not say love. Thy neighbor except that he's a Jew what is right handed? We have to beware of people who try to determine what what morality means for all of us. Beware of the super bigots in the super Patriots in our country who tried to tell us what to think what to feel how to think what to feel three or four percent of the population is gay. What's why should anybody care? Why is it anybody's business? And even here on this campus he had things like a faget ever approaches me. Why do you have to kill him? I can't you say no. Thank you. I have my. Today or I have a headache or what? What is this? Every once in awhile to hear people say things like you know that they say that if you were afraid of homosexuals, you must be a latent homosexual I say if you're afraid of homosexuals, you must be somebody who's afraid of homosexuals. If you're afraid of dogs, does that make you a Layton dog? Now we have to say we have to talk about thoughts. Yes, or no fantasies are normal. There's no such thing as an abnormal thought or dream or fantasy or wish. What do you think only Jimmy Carter has lustful thoughts. Would you believe Reagan? Maybe not Nixon. But everybody else I know has lustful thoughts. I walk down the street and I see a pretty girl I have sex with her. A girl doesn't know it. My wife doesn't know it and I enjoying my walk. Also told dreams on fantasy Zone wishes on normal behavior can be abnormal behavior can be disgusting Behavior can be abrasive. We all have sadistic thoughts sadomasochistic thoughts. We all have strange and weird thoughts. It's part of the unconscious. It's part of our Strange dreamlike qualities that are available to us every once in awhile. But get this if you have a thought that you feel guilty about you'll have that thought over and over again because guilt is the energy for the repetition of unacceptable thoughts. If you realize that all thoughts all dreams all wishes are normal. Nothing will happen. It'll pass. But if you felt guilty about a thought you'll have that thought over and over again because guilt is the energy for the repetition of unacceptable thoughts. Now we have to talk about orgasms. Everybody's into the female orgasm these days. You can't read a woman's magazine without some discussion about the female orgasm. It's reached the point where if women don't have a Good Housekeeping seal. They don't even know I have one. Woman is so upset about her orgasm. She goes to a doctor just doctor. I don't know if I have one and he says the weather if you had one you would know it. In all his wisdom. It's reached the point of such absurdity. The man woman have sex these days the first thing he says to her tomorrow. kind of conversation is that before Freud women wearing see even supposed to have any Synthroid came along and said you could have a vaginal one. And then for 50 years women were enjoying these neat vaginal orgasms. Until it's Masters and Johnson came along with it. Hey, those are not good anymore. overnight millions of women switched now you have clitoral ones. And you just beginning to enjoy the clitoral orgasms. And then what happened? Somebody else came along and said watch you have only one you supposed to have thousands of them. And we've ended the age of the multiple orgasm. They don't leave women alone. But then have escaped the whole thing men. They're like animals. having a jaculation orgasm But I want to tell you women something that no man has ever admitted in the entire state of North Dakota. You ready for this one? I'm going to destroy the Last Vestige of male Supremacy that exists. A man can have an ejaculation and not have an orgasm. A man can have an ejaculation feel a little bitty thing or feel. Wow. The male orgasm is just a psychological is a female. And I want you to women to ask your friends is tonight or tomorrow morning at the latest. And if he denies that he's either not telling the truth, or he can't be trusted. How many men in this audience would would like to deny what I have just said raise your hand? Let's research. And if I had been one, I would have called him an exhibitionist. Male orgasm is just a psychological is the female but he's been programmed to assume that every time he has in jaculation because it's fantastic orgasm. I keep so many things from you. And I promise that there were some things you would learn that you didn't know. See if you're ready for this one. You women don't know this. But when we men go to the men's room. you know that we stand up you know that those are as some of you know that we go to our urinals UC. And we're supposed to just looking around your nose. But we don't. If You observe male behavior these days watching is looking up and down to your toes he's looking for a penis that's smaller than his It's a lifelong struggle. what almost no man knows and almost no woman knows is that you can tell the size of the penis from observing its non erect state to see is he there men who have little bitty penis is like us Are you well, you know and then there men that have penises that hang long like this to see in a little bitty ones. They know that when their penis becomes erect, it goes around 5 and have sex in their fantasy. Wow. It must extend to something like that. But the plain fact is that the little bitty ones go to around 6 in those that hang only extends about five and a half. You can't tell the size of the penis from observing. It's not erect State. You can't believe how many men. Because I have small penises. You can't believe how many men worry about this and how many women in college again? disappointed Is that all? There's no Gap solutely. No connection between penis size and sexual gratification none. And why can't we so to let people know that's why the people have to be preoccupied with it worried about it and you want to know something else that women who think they're worried about the size of their vaginas. I don't know if you know this but a baby comes out of that. You know that let you know, huh? I don't know if you know that the smallest baby that comes out about this big, you know, there's no penis in the whole world, you know. How can I how can you be too small? What would we have to do one people have to worry about stuff like that for what reason? when we can just you sure you could be psychologically tight. That's another matter. Vitense, that's another matter. We live in a strange Society. We live in a society that's sexist that has the double standard. We live in a society where television is giving us messages about sadomasochism and rape or rock music lyrics give a sexist messages. We live in a society where on television you can advertise almost any anyting hemorrhoids. But not contraception did you know that contraception is not permitted? On television hemorrhoids, that's okay. we live in a society where people are saying if you tell kids about sex Dojo at the Dylan it without knowledge without understanding. as a matter of fact all our research reveals that young people who are knowledgeable about their sexuality delay their first sexual experience and when they have sex that use contraception, People are saying it's the pill with the pill. It's making girls promiscuous less than 20% of sexually active teenage girls are using any form of contraception last year. We had 1 million three hundred thousand pregnancies among teenage girls 600000 of them gave birth 13,000 babies were born two babies under 14 years of age. last year alone You know what the promiscuous girl is not getting pregnant. She's on the pill. You know, it's getting pregnant the girl who doesn't believe in sex. You're supposed to it. She Believes In Love spontaneity Romance I never heard of a spontaneous boy is planning and organizing this thing for years. But the girl she doesn't believe in premeditated sex. She's romantic. I'll tell you what. She really is. They have all this kind of research. It says that the reason why girls get pregnant is because of unresolved oedipal complex has become pregnant and has a room up. Avoid toll to teenagers in our way or the fact that all of you are over 18 most of you anyway, but I talk to teenagers I say I don't think teenagers should have sex. The two young the two vulnerable the two readily available for exploitation that can handle the consequences. They don't know that the first experiences of sex are usually pretty Grim. How many of you is teenagers had a really good for a sexual experience raise your hands. Nobody see snow bunny a boy a girl almost never has an orgasm the first experiences of sex a boy gets his orgasm 3 or 4 days later when he tells the guys about it. So I don't think teenagers should have sex. But in the 25 years and I've been working in this field. No teenager has ever asked me my permission. Young people going to have sex with him. I like it or not and whether they like it or not. Half of all the teenagers in this country have sexual intercourse before they finish High School whether I like it or not or whether they like it or not. And I don't think it's a good idea. So I have to have more than one message. I said you're not going to listen to me. At least he was contraception. It's evil. It's wrong to bring an unwanted child into this world. It is evil and wrong every index of Psychopathology goes along with being born to a teenage mother every single one of them. Child abuse drug abuse mental illness. It doesn't matter what it is. Almost every boy who makes a teenage girl pregnant will eventually abandoned girl, even if they marry to cover the pregnancy kind of a life as it. I'll tell you what some people do ask me. They want to know if it's normal to wait until marriage or it's normal to wait until they're older. The pressure for sexual behavior. So absolutely horrendous and I think we need to support the people who don't want to have sex and I say listen, it's okay. It's normal. And I could be very sanctimonious and stop right there. But I said listen if you going to wait until marriage before you have sex, I hope you don't expect to have a simultaneous orgasm on your wedding night because then you might ask yourself the question for this I waited. We have to put sexuality into perspective. We have to understand what's going on in this Society where the pressure for sexual behaviors. Absolutely enormous. We live in a sexist society with a double standard prevails where boys specially boys. It's not happening as much on college campuses because girls are not available for exploitation like they used to be. The lines don't work as easily as they used to but in the high school, is that working? Some of you know that I I wrote this little this little book cool you would if you love me a little book of lines that boys used to seduce girls. can I ask my Syracuse University students who now in retrospect are older and I said listen, what are some of the answers you would like to give and so it's not only the lines that boys use but the answers girls can give and I asked Dan Landis to help me collect these lines. 1 weeks X you got 18,000 letters. from 18000 girls and 6 boys as long as boys and girls are playing games the girls might as well get good at it. darling if you really love me. You'll have sex with me. Sweetheart, I really love you, but do you have a condom? Honey bunch. I get no feelings out of a condom. All the other boys I know get plenty of feelings out of a condo in. What's the matter with you? sweetheart Google I don't have sex with you. I'll go crazy. girl John Ingalls you like to get in the backseat of the car? Oh honey, I much prefer to sit up front with you. Sweetie pie. Everybody's doing it. So you won't have any trouble finding somebody else to do it with. No is the best oral contraceptive that exists? No is the best oral contraceptive that exist? No, boy has ever died from an unrelieved erection. I know perfectly well that there is some girls that use lines against boys. But we need to be preoccupied with the girls because only girls get pregnant past that around as a rumor. And young people are not knowledgeable these days. Where do we get this assumption? Well with all this sex education in schools. We estimate that less than 10% of American schools have anything approaching a sex education program? Some schools that maintain they have a sex education program have two classes and then stration for girls only in the 6th grade with a Walt Disney film so that no child is corrupted by the human mind. If I was to describe sex education in this country, I would describe it as a course in plumbing a Relentless pursuit of the fallopian tubes. We hardly have sex education in American schools. The one school where we did a project that were 300 pregnant girls. 1 high school when we ask the girls, how come they didn't use contraception all we did we use that we took one of our mother's pills. We didn't think you could get pregnant having sex standing up. I can see the three people don't know you can get pregnant having sex standing up. Some of them didn't think they could get pregnant. You could get pregnant the first time. Some of them were using contraceptive foam. Well, there's nothing wrong with contraceptive foam. It's not the best contraception, but it's pretty good, especially in combination with a condom. But they put the foam in after having sex. They used it as a douche. supposed to put in before some of them were using Coca-Cola as a spermicidal. Now you don't even you know know this was Coca-Cola's good for for spermicidal. You put us some sperm in a test tube just pour a little Coke in and for the sperm is dead. But can you imagine the scene? Some of you can and some of you can tell me that's this year. The girl has sex she goes up to the refrigerator to get the KO. Kisi. You think the sperm is waiting around. The sperm is faster than the Coca-Cola. No, I want to give you this message. That knowledge is not harmful. virtually all opposition the sex education this country is based on the assumption that if you tell kids about sex cells deal with And yet all our research as I pointed out points of the fact that young people who are knowledgeable have a tendency to be responsible and when they do decide to have sexual intercourse. They use contraception. Nobody should have sexual intercourse without contraception. If you're using your not using contraception, you're not ready for sexual intercourse. No matter how old or how much you are you are. And get this little book for you kids sisters. I get lost hundreds of letters from 14 year olds and say you don't know me. I'm 14 years old you saved my life. Last week this boy came and approached me and use this line and I said, huh. That's a line. I read it and Doctor go in this book. Play me latest on you sex is never a test of love. Never sex is never a test of love. Is young man I spoke to her to call you since it's going well and good what you say, but you don't fool around on my man, but when I'm married, I'm going to marry a virgin. Is there any left? I looked up at him and I said I hope you'll marry a person not a hymen. Some of you don't know what a hymen is look it up. spelled with a y it's perfectly alright to be turned on by anything. You can return. Can you hear people on this campus? I was walking around. Wow, just see the chest on him. wow her ankles heard one side cast of wonder I want to tell you something you can have a conversation with an i. Even if it's a smartass. You going to relate to a person you going to have a conversation with a person and that's what's happening on college campuses these days more and more. It's the most hopeful thing that's happening people are in to love people are into caring for each other people buy ring for sex and then out bearing for status and they're not marrying for because their parents wanted to marry her four grandchildren still marry for love. And that's a hopeful thing that's happening that be able to the women's movement women, especially women now, I'm finishing their studies and I've been up leaving like I used to do to support their boyfriends or husbands were going on to medical school world gospel because I have too much experience that when the fellow finishes medical school. He wants a divorce. Now what's happened to the man? Listen, I'll tell you what, I'll go first. If there's money left then you can go on to medical school. What's happening is egalitarian relationships men and women on marrying for love? And that's the only thing that's worthwhile to marry for and I look to see in the next 5 or 10 years in a generation that stuff that represents yourself you marry for love and you have stable marriages and you have 1.8 children and a television set and jeroboam. Cuz that's all we'll have room for. And where you'll marry each other because we are liberated because unliberated relationships are simply boring. I'd like to conclude the two things one is I'm going to tell you a story and then I'm going to read to you some poetry. taehyung gold in the mine came to see me and said oh doctor going to have to help us. Do you have to help us? I'm in Love on Catholic. I want to get married. My my boyfriend is Catholic. We want to get married. We love each other to please drive me up the wall. He wants to have sex and I don't want to have sex. I want to be a virgin on my wedding night. He says out of the question only old-fashioned Catholics. Wait only neurotic fat Catholics are interested in waiting. We got up get a little practice so that on our wedding night should be just right. She says listening it may sound irrational. Maybe I'm old-fashioned. Maybe I'm a neurotic but I I want to be I want to be a virgin on my wedding night. She says. To go to maybe you don't understand but I'm not on the couch with my parents are Catholic. My priest is Catholic everybody. I know is Catherine. And all I want to be a virgin down to Gordon he is driving me up the wall. He's driving me crazy. So here I am with come to you we've agreed it's up to you you decide. If you think I should have sex, I will. Should I or shouldn't I? If I Was An Old Fire was a modern psychologist, I would say to her listen to my dear I can't tell you what to do you need therapy. Take you to six months will cost you $5,000. It's family therapy. We have to get everybody involved in it. Maybe even though the whole neighborhood and I but after 6 months I still won't be able to tell you what to do and then you'll be able to figure it out. Hopefully by yourself. But since I'm not a modern psychologist I said listen my dear if you have sex with him under those circumstances you stupid. She was thrilled with my response. She was ecstatic. She said. Tell him if you really loved me you wouldn't put this kind of pressure on me. She said wow that never occurred to me. She rushed out 10 minutes later the phone rang and she said my God, I told him I told him I told him what did he say? He said you have a point. I want to conclude. my saying that a lot of people come to me and say that life has no meaning. I save course not life is not a meaning life is an opportunity. Come to notice that the people who have who knows what the meaning of life is all about? Know the meaning of life life is not a meaning life is an opportunity for meeting for experiences people go or I got to find myself. I got to go off and find myself where you going and with whose money. You got to find yourself right where you are get yourself a job and then go on a holiday. Once you find the meaning of life life is over. the angel of death Gabriel will be hovering over you. Tell you where to go up or down. Don't ever find the meaning of life until you're ready. to leave life Life is not a meaning life is an opportunity. I think they're only two miracles in life. One Miracle is when you discover. The each of you is unique. No one else there is in the whole world like you and when you really discover that you'll realize that you don't have to compare yourself with anybody else. Nobody can make you inferior without your consent. And when you realize you don't have to compare yourself with anybody else that you want unique your Gold's creature, absolutely unique. Isn't that the first miracle has occurred? The second Miracle is the coming of the Messiah. Those are the two genuine miracles. I want to read to you from a book of poetry called the new you. There is a way for everyone people who want to Market God say there's only one road to him. Lord knows for him a one way sign is a dead end leading to Nowhere Lord knows there are infinite ways to find your own way. This one's called prayer for the dead whenever I think about dead people I care about they get points up there. It's an irrational idea, but somehow I'm comforted by the thoughts of my parents. scoring in the celestial heavens This one's cold relationships. Relationships born out of desperation sell them last longer than relationships fashion out of the spare. Relationships Kindle by needs are rarely fired by Passion or desire if I need you for some reason or other or if you need me etcetera It all becomes a mismatch of different changing faltering disintegrating emotions. But if we want each other we stand the chance because people want each other leave room for disappointments privacy and Peak periods of passion and the last poem Where the title is very important, it's called fortunately not everyday is important. It's a survival Factor if everydays important life is grin. Alone feeling sorry for the plants on water like my love in the full of life. I think the sun I'm on withered flowers and Brief Encounters with friendship lingers not for long, I am love not enough to steal the Exile eyelid to candles to find a way. No one noticed. What is a way to a Jewish holiday, then God responded somewhat impatiently I thought For Heaven's Sake water the plants and get on with it. Thank you very much.